salamat aclc

then i will buy you shoes like mine

{this is a homily i gave for aclc retreat last 2004. for the next week i will be giving again the same retreat for the third time and i would just like to share this to all of you.}

19 October 2004
Memorial of St. John Brebeuf, St. Isaac Jogues, martyrs and companions
Tuesday, 29th Week of Ordinary Time

Perhaps for some of us here, our brothers or sisters have already their own children; we already have nieces in our family. I have a niece and her name is Camille. I’d like to share with you a story involving my niece. It is a story I cannot forget.

I think that it is common for little girls to love playing “grown-up.” Perhaps, many of you have experience this when you were still a child. They put on their mother’s shoes, slinking their moms’ handbags around their arms. They sit in front of the dresser and put on their mothers’ make-up: lipstick and powder. Girls start to do these things even when they are only three or four years old.

My niece, Camille, was no exception. She loved wearing her mother’s shoes even if they were too big for her tiny feet. She would often ask my sister, “Mommy, when will you buy me shoes like yours?” My sister would always tell her, “You eat and you sleep so that you’ll grow up and your feet will become big. Then, I will buy you shoes like mine.” She got to be so persistent about this that she’d ask my sister day in and day out: “Mommy, when will you buy me those shoes?” My sister, with admirable maternal patience would always give the standard reply: “You eat and you sleep so that you’ll grow up and your feet will become big. Then, I will buy you shoes like mine.”

I would like you to call to mind this story each time you ask: Why does God take time in answering prayers? I say this because, probably, just like my niece, our feet are too small and our petitions are too big. And God would have to say, “You eat and you sleep so that your feet will grow big. When your feet are big enough, I will grant you the shoes you are asking for.” That is why God seems to delay. Not that God is a sadist. Not that God enjoys seeing us grovel. Not that God enjoys seeing us suffer. It is not because of all these that He has not given us our shoes. No. It is simply God’s way of encouraging us to eat and sleep and take care of ourselves. As it were, to grow and grow some more in His grace so that our hearts will grow big, big, big enough for all the love that He will give us.

My friends, I am telling you this simple story because there is a certain truth about prayer. Prayer is a mystery. Perhaps for some of us here, even at this midpoint of our retreat, we are still encountering difficulties in our prayer. Perhaps, it is still hard to find that inner silence. Perhaps, we are still clouded with distractions and expectations. Perhaps even, we are just starting to find that perfect spot to encounter our God. Why some good prayers are not answered?

Today, we celebrate the memorial of St. John Brebeuf, St. Isaac Jogues, and companions. They were French Jesuits who missioned for the native Hubron of North America. They were martyred by the tribes who believed in a different value. The stories of these martyrs are very rich, but what struck me was the prayer of St. Brebeuf. It is said, that even as a child, St. Brebeuf prayed to God that he would like to die as a martyr, he would like to die for the faith, he would like to die for Him. And his prayer was granted many years later, many years of difficulties, many years of graces, many years of consolations and desolations. And after all of these, I guess the feet of St. Brebeuf grew perfectly to fit with the shoes he was asking for.

The Lord tells us that all prayers are answered. Knock and it will be opened, seek and you will find. But we know from experience that not all prayers are answered. Whether we like it or not, some prayers are not answered, or better still, are not answered the way we like it. This then places us in a dilemma because God promises that all prayers will be answered and then somehow we experience that even good prayers don’t seem to be answered by God.

My friends let me share with you what my friend do when that occasion of difficulty and struggle occurs. When I pray, when I sacrifice and practically cry and kneel before God and ask Him to give me grace and blessing and grant my petitions and nothing happens, I look at the cross and ask the Father, “Why did you allow Your Son to suffer this way?”

It is a mystery that the Father allowed His only Begotten Son to suffer that way. It is also a mystery why some of our prayers are not answered by God the way we expect them to be answered. There will always be mysteries in life. If you can understand why the Father allowed His Son to die on the cross perhaps you will be able to understand why some good prayers are not answered.

God wants to answer our prayers. Unfortunately, in the story of Camille, our feet are still too small for the big shoes He has in store for us.

As we continue to enter deeper into this retreat, let us continually ask the Lord to keep that spirit always alive in our hearts. “You eat and you sleep so that your feet will grow big. When your feet are big enough, I will grant you the shoes you are asking for.”

St. John Brebeuf, St. Isaac Jogues, and companions, pray for us.

Arthur W. Nebrao, Jr., S.J.

prayer for final exams in education

{I was assigned today in leading the prayer before the exam so I made this prayer and I think my classmates really liked it.}












Dearest Lord,
source of all knowledge and understanding
We humbly beg You for the grace of a learned heart
That we may be able to give ourselves fully in our assessments
especially for this class -- Foundations of Education
Help us Lord to recall the different Psychological Theories of Education
both the Non-experimental and the Experimental
And also appreciating the differences
between Behavioral and Cognitive Theories of Learning
Help us Lord to also bear in mind the important role of Philosophy in Education,
from the simplicity of Naturalism to the complexities of Existentialism
as well as the worth of Guidance Counseling and Values Education
But most of all Lord, we simply beg you
to help us become good teachers, right here at this very moment
so that after this final test, our desires may be like yours
which is to teach goodness and help those who are in need.
Amen.

even for a while

This is a very good song. For the past weeks, "waiting" has been a theme in my life. Waiting for what? I don't know. But you know the feeling of waiting? This is how I am feeling. And in the midst of "waiting" my God is with me.

Even for a while
Gary Valenciano

Why do hearts feel the way they do
Why does mine wanna say that I love you
Till the end of time
Till I lose my mind
Till it’s over and left so far behind

I just can’t keep it all inside
So unbelievable how much I’ve tried
Yet I call for you
I long for you
And I say the words I wish you’d want to hear
Though you’re never near

[chorus]
Our heats and though they beat as one
But time, the time for us will never come
So I, I just go on
And just remember those eyes
That look right through my heat
The smile that shows what’s in you
That makes me wanna cry
Coz I know
I’ll never have you even for a while

Now all is said and done it seems
I keep remembering what I would call a dream
Where you came true
For a minute or two
That was all the time it took
To make me know you had to go
[Repeat Chorus]

Cause I know
I’ll never have you…
And I know
I’ll never have you
Even for a while…

my speech during richie fernando exhibit launch

Good afternoon. Let me start with a story. One night, while Weyms, Shio, and myself, were having dinner with Fr. Provincial, ideas were popping out on how to celebrate the 10^th Death Anniversary of Richie Fernando. One original idea was a youth camp for the Socially Oriented Organizations in the Loyola Schools. I was so eager to spearhead the idea. While I was moving around the groups in Loyola Schools, trying to sell the idea, I was sadden to hear the question: “Bro, who is Richie Fernando?” Then I realized, indeed it has been ten years.

So we decided to start with this simple exhibit with the conviction to rekindle that spirit in which Richie echoed one October ten years ago. Let me share with you some thoughts about Richie…

There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends (John 15:13)

On 17 October 1996, Filipino Jesuit Scholastic “Richie” Fernando laid down his life for his friends at the Jesuit Refugee Service’s school for disabled called Bataey Prieb (Center of the Dove), near Phnom Penh, Cambodia. A disturbed student was about to throw a hand grenade into a classroom of other students. Richie grabbed him from behind. The grenade fell of the ground and exploded. Richie was killed instantly, while everyone else survived.

Those students were truly Richie’s friends; he loved them and wished to dedicate his life to their service. Even the one who caused his death said of him, “Richie ate rice with me, we were friends.” The others, on wheelchairs and crutches, formed a guard of honor at his wake. Days later, as his body was being buried with his fellow Jesuits at Sacred Heart Novitiate, Novaliches, his friends in Cambodia solemnly carried an urn containing cloths soaked in his blood to a Buddhist burial mound sculpted by themselves.

The instant in which Richie grappled with the student rather than saving himself was his moment of truth; it revealed what was deepest within him. There was no time to think. He acted by instinct, an instinct honed by values learned in a loving family, by two years (1988-90) of coming to know himself better and Christ better in Arvisu House Jesuit Prenovitiate, by his vows and retreats as a Jesuit, by his response to his missionary call.

Thus, he could say it all in a letter written four days before his death, “I know where my heart is. It is with Jesus Christ, who gave his life for the poor, the sick, the orphan…”

The items from the exhibit are taken from the collections of the Fernando Family, Arvisu House, Sacred Heart Novitiate, Loyola House of Studies, collections of Fr. Jojo Magadia and Sch. Robbie Sian, pieced together here by the Juniors, Sch. Jason Dy, and myself. This exhibit will be displayed in the Loyola Schools, the High School, in Xavier Schoolx, and other possible areas until December. Having said all of these, without formalities, I welcome you to the opening of the Richie Fernando 10^th Death Anniversary Exhibit here in Loyola House of Studies.

10th death anniversary of richie fernando

if i told you

This is really a good song from the play the wedding singer broadway musical ost. Enjoy.

Standing here underneath your window
Searching for some kind of sign
Every move, every tiny gesture
Only proves that you're not mine
I could write you a thousand love songs
Search the world for the perfect tune and rhyme
But what good would it do when it seems I'm out of time

If I told you
All the words I've yet to say
Would they matter
Or would you simply turn and walk away
If I hold you
Will you tell me I should go
Do I chance it
Or would it just be better not to know

Who's that girl with the perfect future
Her reflection says it all
Trying hard to pretend she's eager
Searching for some way to stall
So unsure of the road she's chosen
Faced with feelings her heart should not allow
One thing's certain, it seems
That she just can't turn back now
If she can, tell her how

If I told you
All the words I've yet to say
Would they matter
Or would you simply turn and walk away
If I hold you (if I hold you)
Would you tell me I should go
Do I chance it
Or would it just be better not to know

Would it just be better...
Not to know

a community in love

Homily
Memorial of St. Andrew Kim Taegon and companions
14 August 2006

Before I would begin my sharing, I would just like to make two points clear. First of all, as some of you have asked me, this sharing is not about my love life or anything that deals with relationships that are “more than friends but less than lovers.” Second, this sharing is not a Papal Bull or some sort that I am passing down or it is not intended to single out any ACLC member for that matter. This sharing, though how difficult it will be for me as a moderator, is simply a reminder to all of us on how we can grow as an authentic Christian community. Having said all of these, I begin my sharing.

A Good Shepherd sister-friend of mine told me a story about the sinking of a ship. It was called the MV Cassandra, and it sunk en route from Butuan to Cebu more than twenty years ago. The ship never reached her destination. The MV Cassandra went down into the sea bringing several hundred passengers with her.

There were four Good Shepherd sisters on that ship: Sisters Consuelo, Consolacion, Concepcion and Virginia. At one point during the sinking, they were given their own individual life vests. They immediately took them and put them on. However, when they started going around the ship, they realized that many of the passengers did not have any life vests simply because there were not enough for all.

Thus, what these four sisters did was, without any hesitation, they courageously took off their own life vests and gave them to people who had none. In the end, when rescuers started recovering and counting the bodies of the victims who had drowned, they included the bodies of these four sisters – Consuelo, Consolacion, Concepcion and Virginia.

My friends I started with this story because it tells us so much on community life which is an integral part of being an ACLCer. Community life is not simply meeting together in a certain place at a certain time, doing communal activities like prayer and apostolate, then afterwards go home. No. Community life is more than just a gathering. Community life involves acts of love especially listening and companionship. But to do either without love is an empty gesture and bears no fruit. In ACLC, we are invited to love one another, not in a romantic way but in Christ-like. The most helpful thing one member can do for another is to love him or her, and this is as valid for Christian relationships as for any other kind.

This is my second year as your moderator. And perhaps part of my job description, and perhaps most of you already know this, is to take care of members with “special needs.” Often times, it is sad to hear their stories how they fall in love with a fellow ACLCer. Let me give you a ficticious example. It started out with happy relationship. He likes her and she likes him. Happy. Then when difficulties and challenges come, it is really a struggle to keep such a relationship. Then you ask yourself: “Paano na lang ang PS ko kasi nan doon siya? Paano ang area? Ang retreat? Ang welcoming night? Ang caroling? Ang EvSem? Ang paglalaro ng paborito kong bridge? Paano na lang?” What makes the situation worst is that, your unitmates, your areamates, and no doubt the entire community got involved already in various forms. There seems to be no escape when you are in such a situation because for the reason that we are simply a community.

This kind of loving is our way of loving that is initially be self-centered. Our way of loving may be self-seeking, self-serving. Many times, perhaps, we are too concerned with “what will I get in return? What will I receive in return? Ano kapalit nito?”

In ACLC, we have this term called the “grace of waiting.” And I do believe in this. There are greater fruits in waiting. And what better place to practice authentic love than in ACLC. That is why we need to realize that our quality of loving needs to be given time – time to grow, time to deepen. This is so because we do not immediately begin to love God with all our heart, with all our mind, and all our strength. And surely, we do not all of a sudden just begin to love our neighbor as we love our selves. That is why we go to prayers sessions and area despite whatever feelings we have because we are called to love when love seems to be empty. Indeed it is quite apparent that we are not natural-born lovers.

However, after much practice – after much daily, constant regular practice – our quality of loving may slowly, gradually begin to become better and better. Our quality of loving may slowly, gradually begin to become more and more radical – more and more Christ-like even – and less and less self-serving, less and less self-seeking.

My friends let me go straight to the point. I am not saying that you must not fall in love with a fellow ACLCer or I am not saying it is forbidden to be an ACLC couple. No. Look around you, such relationship do work. And perhaps you also heard the sad stories how it didn’t work and brought even more problems to many members. No one will ever stop you. But, but, but before you enter such a relationship in ACLC, please, please, please, think and reflect upon the reasons you entered ACLC. Did you join ACLC to be in a relationship? Or did you join ACLC to have relationships? If you have the answer to this question, then I do believe you have embraced what true love really is. And I think you are helping the ACLC community this way.

To end this sharing, let us go back with our story of the Good Shepherd sisters. What those four sisters did at the sinking of the MV Cassandra was not an isolated event. They had been loving much even before this disaster. They had been caring much long before this tragedy tool place. What happened in that boat was just a culmination, a climax to all the acts of loving in their lives.

Practice. Waiting. This is what love is all about. This is how the art of loving works. This is how, in the end, we can learn to love with all our heart, with all our soul, with all our mind, and to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. That is why we should not belittle our simple acts of loving. We should not belittle our very capacity to love. Giving thank, forgiving people – especially those who have hurt us – giving our time and our presence to others, affirming them, telling them “You’re ok!” This is how we begin.

And if we start this way, I’m sure whatever ship, whatever sea, and whatever weather you are in, I am sure you are one of those who can easily give out your life vests away. Amen.

gk video

homily

Memorial of St. Maximilian M. Kolbe
14 August 2006

Today we celebrate the memorial of St. Maximillian Kolbe; Pope John Paul II canonized Maximilian as a "Martyr of Charity" in 1981. Saint Maximilian Kolbe is considered a patron of journalists, families, prisoners, the pro-life movement and the chemically addicted. Saint Maximilian died in 1941 in a Nazi prison camp where he offered his life, to die in the stead of the other prisoners.

As many of you know, I was assigned in Bilibid Prisons for two years working as a rehabilitation officer. Those two years were memorable for me because those years were the period of lethal executions. Out of seven who were executed, I reached and known all the other six convicts. I did not reach Echegaray. During an execution day, our office was in charge of the family of these convicts. We try to help them in any way we can to face those crucial moments of their lives. One time, as I vividly remember, I was tasked to watch the kids of the convict – a young teen girl and a little boy. The little boy was too busy playing with his toys while the girl was just sitting still in one corner. So I approached the girl and asked her if she is okay. Perhaps it was the dumbest question to ask during those times. She remained silent for a while. Then she answered, “Sana po ako na lang ang nasa lugar ni tatay para magkasama sila nina nanay at bunso.” At first, I was stunned by her reply. Perhaps there is something wrong with what she said. But then I realized there is more right and truthfulness in her words.

I think this simple incident has many things to say us, especially for us Jesuits. When the time comes for us to give ourselves fully, for the poor, for the sick, for the dying, for a cause, for a friend, for a brother, can we truly say, “We are really there for these?” Perhaps in all of our formation years, we are constantly reminded of the meaning of the Cross, yet at the same time, we are also reminded of our weaknesses and limitation. But I think the important thing here is that we are asked go beyond ourselves, to continue on loving and loving. This is true giving. This is true dying.

Like what in our Gospel today Jesus said, "The Son of Man will be delivered into human hands, and they will kill him. But he will rise on the third day." This was the faith of Maximillian Kolbe; fueled by the love of Christ and the Virgin mother; he embraced death joyfully. Through the death, which Christ underwent on the Cross, the redemption of the world was achieved, for this death has the value of supreme love. Through the death of Father Maximilian Kolbe, a shining sign of this love was renewed in our century which is seriously and in so many ways threatened by sin and death.”

St. Maximilian M. Kolbe, pray for us.

Arthur W. Nebrao, Jr., S.J.
JP Chapel

student profie for education of the gifted

My name is Arthur Williams Nebrao, Jr., SJ. I will be turning 29 years old this November. I grew up as an adopted child in Zamboanga City, but for the past eight years, I was staying here in Manila. On 1998 I graduated BS in Computer Science at Ateneo de Zamboanga University. After college, I taught for one year in the same school teaching Systems Analysis and Basic programming. I also maintain the school system as part of my staff load.

After some time of discernment, I volunteered with the Jesuit Volunteers Philippines. This is a lay organization which sends volunteers as teachers, youth organizer, pastoral workers, NGO program officers, campus ministers and social workers to different poor areas in the country. I was then assigned with Philippine Jesuit Prison Service in the New Bilibid Prisons. I served as a rehabilitation officer for the soon-to-be-released-prisoners under the Pre-Release Rehabilitation program. For the latter part of my stay, I was one of the organizers of Juvenile Assistantcy Program which aims to foster rehabilitation for youth offenders in Bilibid. Proud to say our efforts gave way for the effectively of the Juvenile Delinquency Law and the abolition of death penalty in the country. I stayed there for two wonderful and fruitful years before I enter the Philippine Province of the Society of Jesus on 2001 as a Prenovice.

Presently I am a Jesuit Scholastic taking up MA Philosophy in Ateneo de Manila as part of the two year Philosophy formation program. Hopefully after this school year, I will be sent for the two year Regency formation program which gives us the opportunity to teach basic education in the different Ateneo schools or to do mission work in Cambodia or East Timor. This is all part of the eleven years formation program of the Society of Jesus.

Since I have accomplished enough Philosophy courses since I have started, I was asked to take the eighteen units of Education in order to take the licensure as well as to use these foundations in education during my regency work.

Presently, I don’t teach any class. But what I can share is that we are assigned in different apostolates. My primary apostolate is moderating the Ateneo Christian Life Community (ACLC). This is a student organization in the Loyola Schools which focuses on three aspects of formation: prayer, community, and apostolate. The consolation I am experiencing with ACLC is guiding and experiencing the magnanimity of the youth in proclaiming God’s love and social justice to the poor. My secondary apostolate comes in the form of spiritual direction, retreat and recollection giving, as well as doing multi-media projects for the various offices in the Province. If I may include, it is really a challenge and a grace to guide these gifted and unique souls as they journey in their own life. I may not be teaching but I have close contact with students as a moderator of ACLC and in the process I could help the students realize their giftedness.

Arthur W. Nebrao, Jr., SJ
Ma Ph
5 August 2006
for Education of the Gifted

invitation for st. ignatius province mass

jp life ko

JP Life Ko
Errol Nebrao, SJ

Neo, Neo, Neo Saicon (budubudum) (3x)

Bros Flores, ‘Vin Laput, Weyms Sanchez,
Si Jun Delmonte, Jong Oledan, Si Atong Ong
Sila’y nagpapabuhay ng JP life ko.

Bhong, Bhong, Bhong, Bhong, Bhong Tobe

Adapon, Mendoza, Orbeta, Parilla
Anthohy Coloma, Errol Nebrao, Si Mars Tan
Sila’y nagpapakulay ng JP life ko.

Neo, Neo, Neo Saicon (budubudum) (3x)

Konsuelo ko ang mga brothers ko, Eric John Gerilla, Gabe Pestaño
Si Dennis Cruz, Gil Donayre, Honorato Sala-Sala-Salazar
Tumitibok ang puso ko, tugudug-tugudug, kay Ritchie Genilo,
Si Gonzales, Fruto Ramirez, Nemy Que, Jojo Magadia

Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Pedro Walpole

Lobrigas, Mark Lopez, Henry Ponce,
Escandor, Legaspi, Chrys at Ernald, Charles Ken
Silay’y kumukompleto ng JP life ko.

Sila’y kumukompleto ng JP life ko.
Sila’y kumukompleto (sila’y kumukompleto)
Ng JP life ko … ng JP life ko … ng JP life ko, wooh, di ba?

maging aking muli

When the TeleMovie "Maging Aking Muli" was shown on TV last year, I appreciated my unique vocation even more. This is the MTV of that movie. Hopefully, people would realize how human we still are. May you find consolation from this MTV.

bituin

{Here is something that I have written, based from my journals and letters, to express some thoughts during Juniorate. It it quite long, yet perhaps you may have a glimpse of that trail in my life from discernment until the vows.}

8 september 2000, 11 p.m.

Iba talaga ang bituin dito sa Bilibid. Mahiwaga. Mukhang karaniwang lamang ito tulad ng mga bituin sa Cebu o sa Baguio. Ngunit dahil nasa Bilibid ako at naglilingkod, iba talaga ang bituin sa Bilibid. Hindi ko naman hilig tumingala sa mga bituin kahit noong bata pa ako. Ang naalala ko noon ay nagiinuman kaming mga barkada at nakahiga sa may damuhan at nakatutok sa mga bituin. Ang daming falling stars. Doon ko lang nagustuhan ang tumingala sa mga bituin. Ewan ko nga ba. Naipangako kasi namin mga batchmates na tuwing alas nuebe ng gabi, lahat kami, kahit na saang sulok kami sa Pinas, titingala kami sa langit at hanapin ang tatlong nakahelerang bituin ng Orion’s Belt. Magdarasal kami ng isang Aba Ginoong Maria sa bawat bituin nito. At yan nga ang ginagawa ko maulan o maulap man, alam kong nandiyan ang Orion’s Belt at kahit saan ay natatanaw ng akin mga batchmates at nagdarasal. Tulad kanina, ramdam na ramdam ko na parang ang lapit-lapit ng aking mga batchmates.

4 june 2002, 10 p.m.

Nakakatuwa naman ang usapan namin kanina tungkol kay San Ignacio. Umiiyak rin siya kapag nakikita ang mga bituin. Ganyan ka pagkamapagdamdam siya sa Diyos. Pagkatapos ng usapan, nagdasal ako sa may bangko sa tapat ng Aula landing. Ang daming bituin. At habang nakikita ko ang mga bituin na ito, nagagalak ako dahil naaalala ko ang matalik kong kaibigan sa JVP. Bago ako umalis para sa Novitiate, sinulatan niya ako. Hindi ko makakalimutan ang ilan linya sa kanyang sulat,

“Isa ka ngayon sa mga bituin sa langit ng buhay ko... Ang daming mga tao na gustong makarating sa kinatatayuan mo ngayon, ngunit tinawag ka Niya dahil ikaw ay espesyal sa ganitong buhay relihiyoso. Kaya’t kahit saan man ako, titingala lamang ako, at alam ko nan doon ka isa sa mga bituin sa langit ng buhay ko. Sa ganitong paraan, kay lapit ng ating puso.”

13 june 2002, 10:30 p.m.

Pinagdasalan ko ang paglalakbay ng mga hari patungo kay Hesus. Sila’y nalilito kung paano nila makikita ang haring ito. Ngunit ang isang hari ay nakapansin ang isang pinakaliwanag na bituin noong gabing yun. Sobra sa paanyaya, sobra sa tawag. Sino ang hindi susunod? Ganyan rin ang pagtawag sa akin ng aking Diyos. Alam ko naman kung saan ako pupunta. Sa kanya lamang. Ngunit bakit minsan hindi ko nakikita ang liwanag ng bituin na ito?

21 july 2002, 9:15 p.m.

Nagbasbas ako ng unang patay ko dito sa Sapang Palay; isang taong gulang na batang lalaki na si Hilbert. Siya ay namatay dahil sa toxic na tinapon sa tambakan mga ilan na buwan ang nakaraan. Si Hilbert ay nasa sinapupunan pa ng kanyang inay noong nanyari yun. Lahat silang pamilya ay nagkasakit at nagdala ng controbersiya sa buong Bulacan. Gumaling ang iba ngunit si Hilbert lang ang nanatiling sakitin noong isinilang siya. Pagkaraan ng isang taon, namatay rin. At nandito ako sa aking silid, nagdadasal at nagtatanong kung bakit lahat nito ay nanyayari. Walang sumasagot. Ngunit si Hilbert ang isa sa mga dahilan kung bakit ako nagsusumikat sa ganitong buhay relihiyoso.

4 september 2002, 10:10 p.m.

Naghahanap ako ng tanda para ako ay magpatuloy sa bokasyon na ito. Nagbigay sa akin ng aking Diyos ng isang maliwanag na bituin ngayon gabi. Hindi ko maiwasan na ngumiti. Ang saya ko. Mahal ko ang mga bituin. Lumakas ako at napuno ng pag-asa para sa mga bagay na darating.

25 december 2002, 9:00 p.m.

Sanay naman ako na ipinagdiriwang ang Pasko na hindi kasama ang mga pamilya dahil noong JVP pa ako, hindi ako makauwi. Pauwi ako galing Sapang Palay, ang ganda ng mga bituin. Kinanta ko sa akin isip ang kantang Bituin:

Hesus, bugtong na anak ng ama
Tala ng aming buhay, liwanag
Kapayapaan, kahinahunan
Kapanatagan ng puso
Giliw ng Diyos at pag-asa ng maralita
Ng abang ulila
Biyayaan Mo kami ng pagtulad sa Iyo
Nang magningning bilang 'Yong mga bituin

28 january 2003, 10:00 p.m.

Papunta na kami sa Cabanglasan nang makita ko ang isang matanda na nagbebenta ng gulay sa mga pasahero. Naawa ako at nalungkot. Noong nasa Cabanglasan na kami hindi ko malimutan ang matandang iyon. Naglakad ako sa labas. Sana may makita akong falling star para makahingi ako ng magandang buhay para sa matandang yun.

21 september 2003, 9:30 p.m.

Dumating si Andy, ang choir leader sa Sapang Palay, sa Sacred Heart at humihingi ng pabor kung pwede ibinyag ang kanyang namamatay na pamangkin. Hindi pwede si Fr. Mon pumunta dahil may lakad siya kaya pinadala niya ako. Nagulat ako noong tinawag ako ni Fr. Mon at nag-commission para makabinyag ako. Parang binigyan ako ng super-powers. Bakit ako? Kung sabagay, kakilala ko naman si Andy kaya ako yata pinili. Sumama ako kay Andy sa Ospital. At doon nakita ko ang nakakaawang bata. Ang daming mga tubo na isiningit sa kanyang maliit at matamlay na katawan. Kyla ang pangalan niya. Katabi niya ang kanyang nanay na nagbobomba ng manual respirator para makahinga si Kyla. Ang tatay at ang ibang kamag-anak ay nililibutan si Kyla. Nagmadali ako nagsuot ng sutana at nagsimula na ang processo ng pagbinyag. Pagpahid ko ang aking kamay sa ulo ng bata habang sinasabi, “Binibinyagan kita sa ngalan ng Ama, ng Anak, at ng Espiritu Santo...,” dama ko ang sakit at pait na dinadanas ng bata at ang kanyang pamilya. Ang sakit. Ang hirap nitong buhay relihiyoso. Eto ka nga at tumutulong sa mga mahihina, sa mga nangangailangan, sa mga may sakit, ngunit wala ka talagang magagawa.

14 december 2003, 9:00 p.m.

May pa-contest kami ng mga parol sa Sapang Palay. Ang daming sumali. Ang parol nila’y iba’t iba ang mga hugis at kulay. Pa-bongga ang lahat. Ngunit ang nakaakit sa akin ay ang parol na gawa ng isang bata. Simpleng parol lang ito, ni hindi nga katanyag-tanyag, at may hugis bituin. Sa puting papel chino nito ay nakasulat ang mga hiling ng bata. Noong binasa ko ito, tumimo ang aking puso sa mga hiling. Lahat ng hiling niya ay hindi para sa kanyang sarili ngunit para sa kanyang pamila, sa kanyang mga kaibigan, sa iba’t ibang mga tao. Sa dami ng parol, yung ang pinakamagandang bituin ang nakita ko.

15 april 2004, 6:55 p.m.

Ako ang server sa community mass. Pagka-communion, ako ang may hawak ng kalis kung saan ang mga kapatid ko na nobisyo at pari ay isawsaw ang hostia or iinom ang dugo ni Kristo. Pagkatapos ng comunyon at babalik na sana ako sa may altar, napansin ko na mayroon konting alak na tumulo sa sahig. Nataranta ako. Kumuha ako ng isang purificator at tubig. Binasa ko ang purificator at pinunasan ang alak sa sahig. At habang ginagawa ko ito, naalala ko ang ganitong eksena sa Biblia. Ako si Maria Magdalena na pinupunasan ang dugo ni Kristo.

7 may 2004, 8:30 p.m.

Nakatanggap ako ng sulat galing kay Fr. Louis Catalan, S.J. Tumawag pa siya para mag-congratulate. Ang saya-saya ko. Ito nga ang consolasyon dahil ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagmamahal ng Diyos para sa akin.

From: louissj@yahoo.com
To: sjnovices@jesuits.net
Date: Fri, 7 May 2004 17:07:59 +0200 (CEST)
Subject: For Errol, S.J.

Dear Ogilvie,

Below is Errol's message, informing me that he has been approved to profess his first vows as a Jesuit.

The vow profession ceremony will take place on 31 May in the afternoon (3 or 4pm, I think). I am sure Errol will appreciate it very much if those who are in Manila and are free on this day will be able to share this significant moment with him.

I feel very happy for Errol. The Errol that I knew once in highschool was a different Errol who lived with me in Arvisu House for one year. What I had heard about him from other Jesuits did not make me entertain any doubts regarding his fitness to be a Jesuit.

Please pray for Errol as he begins this new moment in his life.

Louis, S.J.

30 may 2004, 11:00 p.m.

Bukas ay manunumpa na ako. Hindi ko makakalimutan kung paano napapaligaya sa akin ang mga bituin. Tuwing ako ay nalulungkot o nag-iisa, ang tanaw ng bituin ay tumitiyak ng umagang puno ng pag-asa.

Arthur W. Nebrao, Jr., S.J.
Ma Ph
29 August 2004

ehemplo

This is it -- the anti-corruption MTV: Ehemplo! Tomorrow this MTV will be launched by the project mananger Kang in a RockEd event where 1,000+ audience will see us. :) Thank you Kang for putting us here though how underserving we are.

mike bula-han

This is something Francis Alvarez made for the binggo game during the villa last april. Enjoy Mike Bulan fans!

ehemplo recording

(Here are two still photos of the recording for Ehem! This is an MTV against corruption in the Philippines. Watch out for it.)

summer apostolate 2006

Ang Kwento ng Plywood
(Isang pagninilay sa isang buwang karanasan sa Gawad Kalinga ng Dingalan, Aurora Province)

Dumating ang last trip papuntang Dingalan. Isa itong lumang bus na punong puno ng mga pasahero kasama ang kanilang iba’t ibang dalahin. Tulad nito ay mga karton, mga baldeng biskyit, mga manok, halaman at prutas. Probinsyang probinsya ang dating. “Sakay na!” sabi ng kondoktor at dali-dali naman kaming sumakay sa nagmamadaling bus.

Ganyan nagsimula ang aking trabaho. Walang engrandeng banda para batiin o walang mga kaibigan na nagpapa-alam. Bigkis na alam ng iba, ako’y nangangamba sa mga gagawin ko sa isang buwan. Buti na lamang, na kahit masikip na sa loob ng bus, nakaupo ako sa may bintana at naaliw ako sa mga dumaraan na tanawin.

Isa sa kapansin-pansin sa mga dinadaanan namin ay ang mga lakihang mga mensahe na nakasulat sa mga malalaking bato. Nakakatuwa ang mga nakasulat roon. Meron “God is Love,” “Mahalin ang Kapwa,” “Repent,” etc. Parang nasa isang prayer rally ang feeling ko. Ngunit ako ay nagulat noon nabasa ko ang mensaheng, “Lord, you are there.” Tuloy bigla akong napa-isip. At habang ako’y nagpapanilay sa mga salita na iyon, unti-unting napapanatag ang aking kalooban. Tama nga. Bakit ko ito’y nakalimutan. Sa lahat ng mga exposures, trials, at immerssion na aking naranasan, ito ang paglaging binabanggit ng aming facilitator, “Huwag kayo matakot dahil yung pupuntahan ninyo ay nandoon na ang Diyos na naghihintay sa inyo.”

Unang Pito

Ang trabaho ko sa Dingalan ay isang Youth Organizer. Sa loob ng isang buwan ay tutulong ako simulang ang program ng SIGA (Serving in God’s Army). Isa itong programang pang-rehabilitasyon para sa mga kabataan na taga-Gawad Kalinga. Ang hamon dito sa akin ni Lawrence (GK Luzon Coordinator at bossing ko) ay magsisimula ako sa simula’t simula. Hindi tulad ni Rai, na pareho rin ang assignment sa Gabaldon, na nasimulan na ang SIGA roon. Kaya’t medyo isang malaking hamon ito dahil kailangan sa abot ng aking makakaya ay mabuo ko ang grupo sa isang buwan.

Noong dumating ako roon, pinatawag ni Lawrence ang KB (Kapitbahayan) at ipinakilala ako at ipinaalam kung ano ang tungkulin ko roon. Lahat naman ay sang-ayon at excited sa gagawin ko. Ako rin ay naging mas excited na ngayon. Noong gabing yun ay naka-usap ko si Melody (Sibol teacher at naging coordinator ng SIGA pag-alis ko) at sabi niya na kaya naman ipatawag bukas ang mga kabataan para simulan ang programa. Syempre game rin ako. Kinabukasan, nagising ako ng maaga dahil maaga rin ang meeting namin ng mga kabataan. May trabaho kasi ang mga kalalakihan sa pag-gawa ng bahay. Nagulat ako noong nakaipon-ipon na kami sa day care, pito lamang ang sumulpot at puro silang lalaki. Hindi ko makakalimutan kung sino ang pitong ito: sina Dexter (na may second year college degree), ang may asawa’t anak na si Marlon, si Tutoy na mabait at matulungin, ang makulit na si Arvin, ang magaling na pintor na si Kaloi, ang pa-smile na Benedict, at ang nakakatuwa ngunit masipag na special child na si Jay. Pero teka, di ba isang programa ito para sa mga kabataan? Bakit puro lalaki? Akala kasi nila ang SIGA ay para sa mga lalaki lamang at lalong lalo na kung “siga” ka. Natuwa na lang ako at ipinaliwanang kung ano ang SIGA. Binilhin ko rin sila na tulungan ako akayin ang iba pang mga kabataan na sumali sa grupo.

Ligawan sa mga Bahayan

Sa mga susunod na araw nagsimula na ako magbahay-bahay para una makilala ko ang mga taga-roon at syempre anyayahin ang mga anak nila na sumali sa SIGA. Kung tutuusin parang ligawan ang ginagawa ko. Naalala ko tuloy ang mga gimik na ginagawa namin magkakaibigan sa ligawan at ito rin ang ginamit ko sa Sapang Palay at ngayon sa GK. Syempre may halong pastoral care ito. Ganito ang style. Una maglakad-lakad ka. Mas nakakadagdag ng pogi points ng isang baguhan kapag nakangiti ito. Kaya’t smile lang kahit umulan’t umaraw. Ngayon kapag may natagpuan kang ale o mama sa kanilang pintuan, batiin mo na kaagad ng “Magandang umaga po.” Ngunit kailan bantayin ang reaksyon nila. Kapag nakasimangot siya pagkatapos mong batiin, naku exit ka muna at mukhang trespassing ka roon. Ngunit kapag ngumiti, jackpot yun at lumapit ka kagad. Sumunod, ipakilala ang sarili, taga saan ka, at anong ginagawa mo sa lugar nila. Pagkatapos magtanong rin ang pangalan nila at taga-saan sila. Kapag binangit ang isang lugar na pamilyar sa iyo, switch kaagad ang usapan tungkol sa lugar nila at tiyak hindi kayo maubusan nang pwedeng pag-usapan. Kapag wala ka naman alam sa lugar nila, pansinin ang mga bagay sa bahay na pwede mo simulan ng tanong. Halimbawa, kapag nakakita ka ng picure ni Judy Ann, itanong kaagad kung sino sa kanila ang fan ni Judy Ann o ang favorite nilang product na iniindorse ni Judy Ann. Basta’t ang importante nito ay maging komportable sila na ikaw ay isang mabit na bisita. At pagkatapos nun, pwede na rin mag-tanong ng ibang detalye ng kanilang pamilya kung sa tinging ninyo handa na sila mag-bukas sa inyo. At syempre ito rin ang pagkakataon na tanongin kung ilan ang anak nila at kung meron 13 hanggang 23 na taong gulang. Kapag meron yayahin kaagad na sumali sa grupo. Mas maigi kung yayahin ng personal ang bata. Tanongin rin sa bata kung ano ang paboritong palabas nila at kahit ano-ano pa para meron kayong pag-usapan. At makilala mo na ang bata ngayon pa lamang. Pagkatapos ng lahat, tanonging ninyo kung sino pa ang nakatira roon na pwede mo anyayahin sa grupo at yun ang susunod ninyong target. Sabihin mo rin sa bata na akayin rin nya ang iba pa nyang kakilala at kaibigan.

At eto nga ang ginawa ko. Ngunit hindi lang sa bahay ang ligawan. Kailangan alamin rin ninyo kung saaan ang mga “hot spots” ng kabataan. Kung saan sila, doon ka rin. Tulad sa mga lalaki, nasa basketball court sila at doon ka rin maglalaro kasama nila. Sa mga babae naman sa may igipan naglalaba o naghuhugas ng pinggan. Maglaba at maghugas ka rin. At sa gabi kapag may mga kabataan nakukumpulan, doon ka rin makiki-jamming. Sa pamamagitan nito, ang unang pito ko ay naging 30 sa pag-alis ko, mayroon na rin officers at secret group hand shake.

Laro, Laro, Laro

Kung tutuusin parang puro laro naman ang ginawa namin sa buong buwan. Eh kasi naman halos gabi-gabi meron kaming GTKY (getting-to-know-you), group dynamics at team building para mapasimula ang grupo. Depende rin kung gaano kahanda ang grupo sa mga ito. Ngunit kada laro naman ay mayroon madudulot naman na aral. Isang halimbawa na ginawa namin ay ang group walk. Nahahati sila sa group ng sampu. Lahat ng paa nila ay nakatali sa katabi nila ngunit meron iilan sa kanila ay nakatalikod. Kaya’t mahirap maglakad ang group ng sabay-sabay. Kailangan ng strategy. Sa simula pa lamang, nag-plano na sila ng maigi. Tinitingnan nila kung paano nila gagawin ito. Pagkatapos ng ilan sandali ay nagbigay ako ng time-limit. Ayun, na pressure at kahit ano na lang ang ginawa nila basta’t makakarating lang sila. Meron naiwan. Meron nasaktan. Meron napagod. Meron dedma lang. Pagkatapos ng activity, inipon ko sila at prinoseso ang kanilang karanasan. Nakakatuwa naman ang kanilang inputs at sarili rin nila prinoproseso ang groupo. May mga pagkakataon rin na bumubuo ang tensyon sa grupo at dahil sa mga karanasan nila sa mga laro, kaya nila ayusin yun kahit sila-sila lamang. Kahit sa simpleng laro may mga maganda rin mga bagay na nadudulot nito tulad ng pagkakaisa at pagtutulungan. Sa tingin ko nga habang kami’y naglalaro, nakikilaro rin ang Diyos at tumutulong siya ipakita ang pagsasama nitong mga kabataan.

Noong biyernes ng gabi ng unang linggo ko, pinatawag ako ni Melody dahil meron raw isang pagpupulang ang kabataan. Pumunta naman ako na inaakala na ito ay isang simpleng pagpupulong at ito rin ang pakakataon na maipaliwanag ko ng maigi ang SIGA. Ngunit ako’y nagulat na ang pagpupulong iyon ay isang halalan na para sa SIGA. Pati ang mga nanay ay excited at nakiki-usyoso rin sa labas. Higit kumulang 30 ang kabataan naroon, halos ang lahat na iyon ay kilala ko na rin. Ewan kung paano nanyari nun. Hindi ko rin alam kung anong gagawin kasi ang plano ay sa ikatlong linggo pa ang halalan. Pati si Melody naghihintay sa mga payo ko. Isip, Errol, isip! At dahil nan dyan na yan pinatuloy na rin namin. Ngunit bago nagsimula, ipinaliwanag ko sa kanila ng maigi ang SIGA at ang katuturan ng isang halalan. Sa tingin ko naman nakuha naman nila. Halalan na! Unang tanong tinanong sa kin, ang line-up ng mga officers sa SIGA. Patay wala yan sa manual. Isip, Errol, isip! Nagkatuwiran ako na dahil nagsisimula pa lamang sila, yung pareho na lang sa high school ang gagamitin. Agree naman sila roon. Kaya’t meron rin kaming muse at escort sa line-up. Nakakatuwa ang halalan. Mayroon akong kabataan na titser at ang kanyang estudyante ay kasali rin sa group. Kaya’t may nomination na, “I nominate my teacher.” Meron rin nagdududa sa nomination ni Marlon dahil may asawa’t anak na siya. Meron isang kabataan na pagkatapos ng dalawang nomination, second demotion kaagad. Ang gulo ngunit nakakatuwa talaga! Ngunit sa huli nakita ko naman na ang binoto nila ay ang mga tanyang na kabataan sa grupo nila at siguradong maglilingkod sila na tapat. Malakas ang pag-asa sa grupong ito.

Nasaan ang Tahanan?

Noong unang gabi ko roon, kasama sina Rai, Lawrence, at Nicole binigyan kami ng isang plywood para ilatag sa sahig ng opisina kung saan kami matutulog. Mas espesyal lang si Nicole at sa mesa siya matutulog. Di ko akalain na iyon plywood na iyon ay makakasama ko sa halos isang buwan roon. Naging bestfriend kami. Dahil isang buwan ko siyang hinigaan kasama rin ang employee’s logbook bilang unan ko. Kaya ang office ay office by day at bedroon ko by night. Kaya rin alas singko ako nagigising dahil kailangan iligpit ko na ang higaan ko at ang aking mahal na plywood. Pag-alis ko nga, gusto ko dalhin ang plywood na iyon o kahit kapiraso lang bilang remembrance.

Mahirap ang mga tao sa GK Dingalan. Kahit sabihin may bahay na sila, ang hirap magsimula at dahil na rin nawala halos ang pwedeng ipaghanap-buhay sa Dingalan. Ang sabi nila, di abot kalahati ng populasyon ang naiwan pagkatapos ng trahedya ng landslide. Naka-punta rin ako ng ilan beses sa mga dating tinitirahan nila. At kung hindi gutay na guaty ang bahay ang aabutin mo roon, halos walang bahay kang makikita na dating punong-puno at sisik na mga bahayan. Sino nga ba ang gustong bumalik roon. Ngunit, kung tutuusin meron pa rin bumalik at tumira roon dahil wala na silang mapuntahan. Kahit halos dalawang taon na lumipas, nadarama ko pa rin ang sakit ng alaala nila.

Meron akong dumalaw na mag-asawa, mukhang masayahin noong una ko silang nakilala. Palabiro si tatay at si nanay magaling humirit. Ngunit napansin ko ay wala silang kahit isang bata sa bahay. Sa gitna ng kwentuhan, tinanong ko sa kanila kung nasaan ang kanilang mga anak. Biglang tumahimik ang dalawa. Lumipat ang tingin ni tatay sa sahig. Lumuluha namang ang mga mata nin Nanay. Dali-dali ko humingi ng tawad dahil mukhang nakuha ko na ang ibig sabihin ng kanilang biglang lungkot. Ang sabi ni tatay ay mahabang kwentuhan raw iyon. Pinadaan ko muna ang ilan pang dalaw at unti-unting binuo ni tatay ang kwento sa akin. Apat ang anak nila. Tapos na sana ng high school ang panganay at mag-tatlong taon na sana ngayon ang bunso. Noong nanyari ang bagyo, malapit na si tatay sumaklolo sa kanyang pamilya. Ngunit nahuli siya. Kitang kita niya noong tinabunan ng landslide ang kanilang bahay. Halos mabaliw si tatay sa kasisigaw noon. Noong tumigil ang bagyo, natagpuan niya ang kanyang asawa sa dulo ng ilog na halos patay na kung hindi nakita kaagad. Ngunit hindi na nila nakita ang apat nilang anak. Ang sakit. At ito rin ang lagi kong naririnig sa iba pang mga pamilya na pinuntahan ko. Walang mga salita na sapat para ipahimlay sila. Tahimik lamang ako kapag sila ay nag-kwento, ngunit sa loob-looban ko halos nabibingi ako sa sarili kong iyak.

Meron akong kilala single parent na ina na binubuhay ang kanyang apat na anak. Dalawa ang trabaho ni nanay sa bayan -- labandera at caretaker. Kahit itong dalawang trabaho na ito ay hindi pa rin sapat para buhain silang lima. Maliit lang kasi ang cost of living sa Dingalan. Kadalasan naabutan ko ang mga bata ni nanay na inuulam lamang ang asin o bagoong. Minsan walang-wala talaga. Minsan dinadaan nila sa tulog na lamang. Ang swerte ko nga roon dahil kahit wala si Tito Romy at si Kuya Liboy, may mga nanay na nagdadala sa akin ng ulam. Ngunit hindi ko kayang kumain habang naalala ko ang mga bata na ito, pati na rin ang ibang mga tao sa Gawad na walang makain. Kaya’t kapag wala ang nanay nitong mga bata at kung hindi pa sila kumain bumibili ko sila ng de-lata o sabay kaming kumakain. Kaya rin naubos ang pera ko dahil kapag bumili ako ng halo-halo, kailangna lima ang bibilhin ko – isa sa akin, at apat para sa mga bata. Hindi ko rin sila maiwasan dahil mahal ko na rin ang mga bata na ito. Pati na rin ang ibang mga bata at lalong-lalo na ang mga kabataan. Kaya’t lahat ng gamit ko ay naging for public use – mobile phone, mp3 player, charger, goggles, pentel pen, tyinelas, at kati cotton buds. Noong dumating ako, dalawa ang dala kong bag. Pag-alis ko, isa na lang dahil na-arbor na ang ibang gamit ko. Pero okay lang yun, basta’t para sa mga nangangailangan, masaya ako.

Kaya rin siguro hindi maiwasan ang away roon. Oo, may away rin roon. May mga iilan pa na nasaksihan ko. Ito ay dail mahirap nga ang mga tao roon at gagawin nila ang lahat para kumita man lang. Halos lahat ay umaasa sa build. May sahod na kasi ang build. Isang daan piso sa isang araw. Malaki na raw iyon sabi sa akin ng isang kabataan kaysa wala. At dahil kasangkot ang pera, di maiwasan ang ingitan. Bakit si kwan ganito ang kita? Bakit kulang ang bayad ni ganito? Bakit ganyan? Bakit? Pero hindi lang dito ang problema. Lumala na siya at naging maraming lebel na ang problema. Nakakataba rin ng puso ang pagkakataon na ito dahil ibinabahagi sa akin ng mga mag-kaaway ang kanilang mga hinaing at ninanais. May tiwala sila sa akin na ako’y walang kinakampihan at nan doon ako para makinig at makisama sa kanilang dinadaanan. Kaya’t hindi rin ako nawawala ng pag-asa. Lilipas rin ito. Tulad sa sinasabi ko sa kabataan, bahagi talaga ang problema sa buhay. Ngayon pwede mo itong iwasan, ngunit palagi nan dyan pa rin ang problema. O harapin mo. Harapin mo na may awa at mapangkumbaba na puso. Maayos man ito o hindi, basta’t binigyan mo na ang iyong sarili, malaking pagbabago ang unting-unting gaganapin.

Ngunit kahit ganito ang buhay sa Dingalan, mahirap, at pa minsan magulo, nakatagpo ako ng tahanan roon. At ito ay sa puso ng mga tao, ang mga tunay na survivor ng totoong buhay.

May mga pagkakataon na niyaya ako nina Tito Romy at Kuya Liboy sa kanilang unit para matulog sa katre. Ngunit tinatangihan ko ang mga pagkakataon na iyon. Hindi dahil gusto ko maging martir sa aking plywood ngunit sa plywood na ito tinuruan akong mapagkumbaba at makiisa sa hirap ng buhay ng mga tao sa Dingalan. Noong nagsisimula pa lamang ako, may lumapit na kabataan sa akin at nakita kung saan ako natutulog. Ngumiti siya. “Tropa ka na namin kuya.” At simula noon hindi na ako tunuring na bisita nila kundi isa sa kanila.

Buhay, hindi Bahay

Isang araw meron dumating na bisita na tutulong sa build. Maganda ang pakay. Maganda ang intensyon. Eto naman talaga ang frontline ng Gawad Kalinga, di ba, ang pag-gawa ng bahay. Ngunit sayang itong mga kabataan na ito. Eto naman ay personal kong kuro-kuro. Sana ipinakita sa kanila na hindi talaga bahay ang binubuo dito kundi maganda ugnayan, pagkakaibigan, binubuong buhay. Sayang at walang makausap si Lola Pinising; walang tumutulong kay Jenifer, kahit limang taong gulang pa lamang ay nag-iigip na tubig; walang nakikinig sa kwento ni Tatay Jessie. Sayang. Kahit saglit lang man tumingin sa mga mata ng mga tao ng Dingalan ay hindi nila naramdaman ito.

Simple lang ang mission at kaligayahan ko sa buhay: kung makatulong ako kahit isang kaluluwa lamang para magmahal sa kapwa at sa Diyos, masayang-masaya na ako. Ngunit maraming pagkakataon ay tinatanong ko sa sarili ko kung ano ang nagawa ko para sa mga tao roon. Sa isang buwan kong pananatili sa Dingalan; hindi ako nakahawak ng pala, martilyo, o kahit brush lang man. In short, hindi ako tumulong sa build. Wala. Tamad ba ako? Excuse me, hindi ako tamad. J Ilan beses nga ako pumunta sa site para tumulong eh, ayaw lang talaga nila. At kung ano man talaga yun dahilan, sa amin na lang yun ng mga taga Dingalan. Ngunti ang maibabahagi ko ay iba ang hamon sa akin ng mga taga-Dingalan at ito ay maging isang tagapagkinig, isang kaibigan. At yan nga ang ginawa ko sa buong buwan ko pamamalagi sa Dingalan. Makinig at makinig. Siguro nakalimutan natin unang makinig ang kanilang kwento dahil mas gusto natin una marinig ang ingay ng mga martilyo, pala, at brush.

Bago ako umalis sa Dingalan, tinitingnan ko ang mga nagawa ko roon at masasabi ko na puro mga ordinaryong bagay lamang ang mga ito. Tulad ng GTKY, GDs, Icebreakers, mag-hugas ng pingan, mag-payo at makinig. Kaya’t tinanong ko sa mga kabataan noong huling session namin kung ano ang nagawa ko sa kanila. Kung nakatulong ba talaga ako sa pagsimulan ang kanilang samahan. Halo-halo rin ang mga sagot nila. Ngunit meron isang sagot na nakatama sa akin. Ang sabi nitong isa, “ipinakilala nyo kami sa bawat isa, kung sino kami, at kung ano ang aming pananagutan sa isa’t isa dito sa GK.” Noong narinig ko yun, sa loob-loob ko gusto ko siyang halikan, gusto ko silang halikan lahat. Kahit alam ko na hindi ako nagagawa ng bahay ngunit alam ko na uuwi ako ng malungko sa masayang-masaya.

Mga Huling Araw

Mahirap mag-paalam. Lalo na’t nakasama mo ang mga tao sa Dingalan halos araw-araw sa buong buwan. Siguro dahil sa dami nang assignments na napuntahan ko, medyo may diskarte na ako sa mga ganitong pagkakataon. Noong huling linggo ko ay unti-unti na ako nag-distansya sa mga naging ka-close ko. Unti-unti na rin ako nag-papaalam at nagpapasalamat. Para sa ganun may closure na at hindi lang basta-basta’t nagpaalam. Pinasa ko na rin kay Melody ang SIGA manual at ibang instructions. Nag-meeting kami kasama ang mga officers at ibinhagi ko na rin ang aking recommendations at ibang mga plano para sa kanila. Sa linggo rin ito medyo sinulit ko na ang WOW Philippines sa Dingalan. Dinala ako ni Kuya Liboy sa malamig na Tanawan Falls. Si Tito Romy naman sa famous Matawi beach, este GK site. Sayang sa bagyo na iyan, nakapunta sana ako sa white island, adjecent to Paltic. At ilan beses na rin ako umikot sa bayan ng mag-isa para mag-dasal at hinahanda ang akin sarili sa akin pag-alis. Mahirap nga ang mag-paalam.

Dumating ang bagyo at parang re-enactment raw ito noong trahedya minus ang landslides at rolling-stones. Ganyan ka-lakas ang ulan na nakakainis dahil parang niloloko sa biglang tigil’t simula nito. Ngunit grasya na rin ito dahil pag-tambay ko sa isang bahay, parang extended bonding kami ng pamilya. Minsan doon na ako naabutan ng kain. Noong huling araw ko kahit malakas ang ulan binabasbas ko ang mga bahay ng mga super nanay ko. Akala ko limang bahay lang ang basbasan ko at naging labing limang bahay lahat. Ito ang record holding ko ngayon. Dahil sa dami, ayun naka-early siesta ako tuloy. Pag-gising ko, umuulan pa rin at patuloy pa rin ako umiikot sa mga huling bahay na hindi pa ako nakapagpaalam. Malungkot na ang tanawin, malungkot na rin ako at mga tao. Medyo sumigla ako noong dumating, galing Baler, sina Kuya Liboy at Tito Romy. Kahit bagyo, sumugod sila para makasama nila ako sa hapunan. Espesyal ang ulam ngayon, dinuguan. Paminsan-minsan lang kasi kami kumakain ng karne. Pagkatapos ng hapunan, inaayos ko na ang aking mga gamit. Hmmm... nakapagtataka at wala akong gaanong nakikitang mga kabataan sa buong araw. Bago ko man maisara ang aking bag, may pumasok na mga kabataan. Kinausap ako na i-blindfold ako at magtiwala sa kanilang gagawin. Aba parang GD! Sumunod naman ako sa gimik nila at mukhang may naamoy akong supresa. Dinala ako sa tingin ko noong una ay tahimik na kwarto. At noong tinangal ko ang panyo sa aking mga mata, biglang nagulat ako sa dami ng tao sa day care center. Nan doon ang mga kabataan, mga bata, mga nanay, halos lahat ng GK nan doon. Yun pala ay may naihanda silang programa para sa akin. At nakakatuwa dahil unang pagkakataon gumawa sila ng programa at ang kwento nila ay hindi nila alam kung paano gagawin. Ngunit nagawa nila. Meron kumanta, meron sumayaw, meron mga palaro, meron konting handaan, at meron mga renditions ng mga icebreaker ko. At syempre hindi mawawala ang mga testimonilas ng bawat kabataan. Aba, pina-perform pa ako at eto walang maisip kundi kantahin ang “Huwag Limutin.” At syempre meron mga umiyak at kasali na rin ako nun. Malakas man ang ulan sa labas, umaapaw naman ang puso ko ng pagmamahal ng mga tao roon. At para hindi malungkot, nagpalaro kami hanggang napagod na ang lahat. Nagpasalamat ako muli at umuwi ako sa aking plywood. Kahit sa opisina ay marami pa rin tao. Buti na lang pag-latag ko ng banig, umuwi na rin sila. Mahaba ang gabi.

Alas-4 ng umaga ako nagising para habulin ang unang trip. Medyo umulan pa rin. Hinatid ako ng tatlong ka-close ko na kabataan, sina Dexter, Marlon, at Tutoy. Dinaanan namin ang mga natutulog na bahay, sa matarik at maputik na burol at isang ilog. At habang naghihintay kami ng akin masakyanana, nagkwentuhan na lang kami ng kahit ano. Medyo naubos na namin ang aming laway at mataas na ang araw ay wala pang dumadaan na bus. Medyo maraming sirang daan raw ang sabi ng isang tsuper ng tricycle. Naku paano ako uuwi yan? Buti na lang at dumating si manong super-tsuper ng tricycle. Pumayag siya na magdadala sa akin sa Gabaldon. Nag-paalam ako muli sa tatlo at kahit mabigat ang puso ko, tumuloy ang biyahe ko. At habang dinadaanan namin ang mga malalaking bato ng may nakasulat na mensahe, hinahanap ko muli ang mensahe, “Lord, you are there.” Ngunit, hindi ko na siya nakita. Ngunit may nakita akong bago na tinamaan na naman ako: “Find home in Me.” At naalala ko ang mga tao sa Dingalan. Kahit nakatulog lamang ako sa plywood, nagkarron ako ng maraming tahanan sa Dingalan. At hindi ito gawa sa semento, wala itong bubungan, hindi ito nakapintura ng makukulay na de-kolor, ito ay sa puso ng bawat tao sa GK Dingalan at sa mga kaibigan ko sa GK Luzon kung saan nakita ko ang aking Diyos sa kanila.

Arthur W. Nebrao, Jr., SJ
Ma Ph
22 June 2006

remembering bilibid

(I was a Jesuit Volunteer in Bilibid Prisons for two years. During my stay there, I have witnessed these lethal executions of our brothers in prisons -- six to be precise. But it was announced the other day that there won't be executions anymore. Thanks be to God! Here is something I have written during my Juniorate on my experience of an execution day.)

Execution Day

10:58 p.m. Our small two storey dormitory behind an old white painted church was dull and quiet. Only the faint sound of a late night TV show was audible from a distant neighbor. I was sitting by a well-furnished dining table scribbling some encouraging lines to a friend who had a similar no-pay-job like me. As I was about to close my epistle with some customary banter, the lights dimmed into darkness -- something that did not take me by surprise -- and the entire reservation instantaneously hushed. Another desolate prisoner was being transferred to the execution cell. Distant echoes of dogs barking and guards’ commands filled the stillness of the night. I closed my eyes in anticipation. Any moment now. The echoes started to tone down. In a few short moments there was silence. Awkwardly, the lights in the room returned and again I became conscious of the sounds of TV watching. It would be another execution day tomorrow. It would be to remind us that we should kill people in order to show that killing people is bad.

2:00 a.m. I finally got my strength to sleep when suddenly there was an irritating knock at the door. Who could it be at this unholy hour? Still, more knocks. I cautiously opened the door. Three women stood there in front of me covered with their sweaters and jacket. One was a mother in her late 30s; another, a daughter in her mid teens; and still another, a daughter in her late childhood. I recognized that it was the family of the dead-man-walking. I had been expecting them much earlier. Without any reservation, I let them in, knowing that this small dormitory was for now the only place they could call a home away from the complex society. I led them to a prepared room, one of only two small rooms on the second level. I softly asked if they needed anything. Convinced that they were tired, weak and confused, I simply let them rest. Click. All the lights were turned off and I went back to my room. Click. Again, all I saw was darkness. It would be a heavy day tomorrow and I had to get my sleep.

I was just starting to fall into a slumber when a moaning sound brought me to full consciousness. Crying. Someone was crying. No, there were women crying. There was nothing I could do. I kept my eyes open until my body yielded to my weariness.

2:55 p.m. The execution day was one full of unforgettable emotions. The small cube-like death chamber was secured by well armed guards and high wire fences. The four windows were shut. The only door was locked. Inside, the privileged few – the families of the victim and of the accused, penal guards, some representatives from the government, a priest, and a doctor – were all seated quietly, all eyes fixed on the bound and reclining man who would soon meet his fate. The rest of us we were all outside – prison volunteers, seminarians, priests, nuns, reporters, penal employees, and other curious onlookers, with banners and placards displaying all points of view. There were mixed noises of both festivity and mourning. Half were praying for the execution to be repealed, half were praying for the execution to be completed; yet all were waiting. Any moment now. Somebody from the crowd shouted in a husky voice, “It’s three o’clock!” Everybody toned down as if a conductor had signaled the chorus into a pianissimo. Unrestrained whispers were the only sounds perceptible. What was happening inside? We did not know, at least not yet. Ten minutes passed yet everybody maintained the serene silence. At last, the chamber’s door opened. All the people took a deep breath. Six men were coming out carrying at their sides a second-hand coffin, accompanied by the familiar weeping of mother and daughters. Everybody stood very still. The coffin was then loaded into a black funeral car with the 3 ladies seated alongside with the driver. As the car slowly departed, murmurs of questions and speech gradually filled the air again.

Arthur W. Nebrao, Jr., SJ
Ma Ph
22 July 2004